Flowering….
Flowering…sometimes I feel like a flower all closed up. BUT I want to open up to the sun and bask. But it often seems that when I do I get half way open and close up again. What in the heck am I speaking about? You ask. Well, it’s this. I get really excited about life. I groom and tan and walk and sing and call friends and and and and……then I crash. Something gets me down and then I have to climb back up that hill. I read about these wonderful gals who climb giant mountains, maintain huge mansions, have adopted 20 teenagers from the Bronx and still look amazing and rested. I don’t want to be them. But I just don’t want to keep climbing. I just want to maintain, right? Why does it seem that 4 steps forward and 2 steps back? I don’t get it. (I have never mastered the Texas two-step so why am I dancing it?) Is it only me? Is it in our female feminine gal-like make up? Do we have a genetic disposition to never being “enough?”
I have, in my mind, listed the things I want to accomplish in life and some of that works and is accomplished and some of it doesn’t work and goes unaccomplished. For example, I swore off sugar yesterday as I woofed down a brownie. (Cheshire smile, what can I say?) Two steps back, yeah? It was a good brownie and tasted even better once I made a commitment not to eat sugar!! But does that mean I am not enough? Maybe just that I thought of it should count for something. Maybe?
I have a “friend” that struggles with her trials, that admittedly are immense. But she is feeling “entitled” that since her life has turned upside down, everyone need to serve her in the way her EXPECTATIONS require. There is that darn dang double dog word that does NOT serve us regarding our emotional lives. I have said it before but it bares repeating, “The worst thing in life is unmet EXPECTATIONS!” (Courtesy of my Prince Charming.) My dearest seems to think that she can lash out and be cruel to those who do not seemingly understand her trials and should allow her to say or do whatever she deems appropriate because she is going through severe trials. We want our family and friends to act or react in particular ways and when they don’t we get emotionally tied up in knots. And often our love ones are put at a distance because we want to “make our point” or “make them understand” etc.
So I have a sibling that has decided to use her free-agency in life to make as many bad choices as she can possibly make. The parents want us (siblings) all to not give consequences to her for her actions toward us because of some things that have happened to her in the past. But she poses a “risk” to our very precious families that we have all created. A huge scary risk as she has no boundaries. Expectations. Am I a bad daughter because I won’t let her near my babes? Am I un-christian because I can forgive her but not allow her to have access to me or my family. Am I being enough? Who is there to tell ME I am enough? Not many will. So we must do it ourselves. WE MUST KNOW AND TRUST that we are enough regardless what others say or don’t say!!!
I am enough today. It is what I can do today. So I will be enough for twenty-four hours. It’s the best I can offer up right now. And for the love of Peter it WILL be enough for today. Go and do something more productive then reading this caffeinated sleep deprived diatribe of mine. Oh, but remember to tune in tomorrow. Okay, now go and do!
I have, in my mind, listed the things I want to accomplish in life and some of that works and is accomplished and some of it doesn’t work and goes unaccomplished. For example, I swore off sugar yesterday as I woofed down a brownie. (Cheshire smile, what can I say?) Two steps back, yeah? It was a good brownie and tasted even better once I made a commitment not to eat sugar!! But does that mean I am not enough? Maybe just that I thought of it should count for something. Maybe?
I have a “friend” that struggles with her trials, that admittedly are immense. But she is feeling “entitled” that since her life has turned upside down, everyone need to serve her in the way her EXPECTATIONS require. There is that darn dang double dog word that does NOT serve us regarding our emotional lives. I have said it before but it bares repeating, “The worst thing in life is unmet EXPECTATIONS!” (Courtesy of my Prince Charming.) My dearest seems to think that she can lash out and be cruel to those who do not seemingly understand her trials and should allow her to say or do whatever she deems appropriate because she is going through severe trials. We want our family and friends to act or react in particular ways and when they don’t we get emotionally tied up in knots. And often our love ones are put at a distance because we want to “make our point” or “make them understand” etc.
So I have a sibling that has decided to use her free-agency in life to make as many bad choices as she can possibly make. The parents want us (siblings) all to not give consequences to her for her actions toward us because of some things that have happened to her in the past. But she poses a “risk” to our very precious families that we have all created. A huge scary risk as she has no boundaries. Expectations. Am I a bad daughter because I won’t let her near my babes? Am I un-christian because I can forgive her but not allow her to have access to me or my family. Am I being enough? Who is there to tell ME I am enough? Not many will. So we must do it ourselves. WE MUST KNOW AND TRUST that we are enough regardless what others say or don’t say!!!
I am enough today. It is what I can do today. So I will be enough for twenty-four hours. It’s the best I can offer up right now. And for the love of Peter it WILL be enough for today. Go and do something more productive then reading this caffeinated sleep deprived diatribe of mine. Oh, but remember to tune in tomorrow. Okay, now go and do!
Comments